Here we are again. Why would I remember the morning after? When it’s too late. I hadn’t remembered the whole week leading up. I thought I’d put it in my calendar but I hadn’t. I had reminders for more than a month each week in person leading up. What’s the go? Why would I completely forget and miss Boothy’s 90th birthday party that was so important? …
It was yesterday afternoon from 2-5. It’s been in the pipeline and build up since the start of the year. Excitement, anticipation. Now it’s Monday, and I’ve missed it. I’m in shock. Stammering the situation to Keagan, eyes wide in anxiety. The tears start flowing. This is a nightmare. Please, let it be. So often I dream about being late or completely missing something important. It’s actually happened. The mind is wild with thoughts 💭. I am a horrible person. So inconsiderate, so selfish. I’d only forget if I didn’t really care. Right?
There’s no excuse or clear, sane explanation. I simply didn’t remember. From yesterday’s lessons to today’s. Up and down in a roller coaster, from happiness to emotional wreck and life questioning. All happening in closer and closer succession. There’s a strange knowing. A knowing that it is meant to be this way. Part of the plan. Much bigger than “me”, whoever that is. But I feel the guilt and shame still. So strong. How is he going to respond?
Keagan encourages me to surrender, let go. It is what it is. He hugs me, tells me he loves me. Jaana and Sam return home, they sit with me in the emotions. The clarity starts peeking in. They say, who cares about the birthday. You see him every week, in person and connect. Talk, laugh, cry, speak openly and honestly and enjoy it all. That; that is more important than appearing for someone’s birthday after 5-10 years.
Deep inside I know this. I know that I care. That I wanted to be there at the party to help him celebrate. But life didn’t want me to be. At all. Am I allowed to find solace in this? Keagan, Jaana and Sam are all giving me permission. Should I accept it? Tried to call him with no answer, leave a message of sadness, confusion and apology. Waiting. Thoughts still whirling, I start to journal and google “forgetting important events spiritual meaning”. Dr. Google will help me. I wonder if anyone else does this?
The writers give me permission to breathe. That despite feelings of conscious control, the subconscious has other plans. I know I need to surrender. I’ve called for a life of truth, authenticity and alignment with the souls purpose. So confronting challenges and working through them must be part of the process. A spark of gratitude. The phone rings… “no caller id”…
“Hello this is Odelle”… Boothy is on the other end, and he is cheerful, spirited. He talks for a while and I start smiling, nodding, acknowledging his words. This is why we catch up each week. He’s so forgiving, understanding and values communication. He had the best birthday party ever, made the best speech ever. And I wasn’t there. Didn’t need to be there. He jokes about being glad we didn’t arrange for me to be his ride to the party. I laugh, humour is so precious! There’s relief, yet pangs of regret and disappointment that I will never know what I missed.
Almost simultaneously was a clear lesson: There are endless places to be in life… but I am exactly where I am meant to be in every moment. If not there, then here, yet wherever I am, be fully engaged and present at the moment. All senses active and awareness heightened. Another clear lesson: I am not responsible for others happiness or joy (or any other emotion)… If my intentions are clear and I’m living in my truth, then life will evolve exactly the way that it’s meant to.
Final lesson: Continue to pay attention deeply to life’s happenings and unfolding, for it may be the smallest thing, word, sight, smell, song, dream, animal that is the message and lesson needed at that moment 🙏🏼💖✨